Mondays are supposed to be my easy days. They are the only days where I do not have to teach, take a class, attend a seminar or schlep back and forth between the main and medical campuses multiple times. Mondays are supposed to by my get-your-shit-together days. I haven't had a good Monday since December.
The impetus of everything I am doing for this degree is that I love --generally speaking -- science itself. And I love that I have the freedom and opportunity to dance with it. This term particularly, I am severely lacking in that love. All I want to do is sleep. Because I don't sleep. I don't do yoga anymore. I barely eat and when I do it is desperately and not healthily. I don't relax... ever. I am so deeply freaked out by the awesomeness of my commitments this term that I am, in fact, barely functioning. When I finally do fall asleep, it is not for long, and when I am forced to get out of bed in the morning -- get ready for this one -- my ambitions for the day are drowned out by the abounding excuses to stay in bed. Y'all. This is a phenomenon generally unfathomable to the Ragamuffin. It's like my body is trying to speak to me... I can almost make it out... "you have an autoimmune disease... yooooou jackaaaaass...!"
Today, I hate everything and everyone and am even pissed off at my boss for no particular reason. I am pissed off at my brain and its lack of cooperation with my demands. I am pissed off at my demands for being so unreasonable. I am pissed off at 2 of my 3 undergrads for aspiring to nothing despite my most fervent efforts to make them love and commit to what they are doing under my supervision (so much so that I may have to "let them go"... seriously. I have never encountered this situation in my 5 years of mentoring 14 undergrads...). I am pissed off at my lack of creativity, and at my not being a good enough teacher or student.
My body hurts, my brain hurts, my heart hurts.
I want to go to sleep.